Love Languages - Do They really work?
So I have been asked recently, how do Love Languages work? What are they? I've had clients come to me and actually tell me that they used one of all of the love languages and the person they wanted to be with, still left them for someone else. So there is a lot of myth but also a lot of truths in the love language. Essentially we are spiritual beings and we are able to express love through our energy. However, I do believe that because we are on different levels of consciousness that sometimes, despite what we use or say or do, it may not be enough. This has nothing to do with you but rather where the other person is in their own healing and spiritual journeys. If the person who you are using a love language on, has been hurt and immediately is seeking another relationship to fill a void or empty space then the chances are, this relationship will fail.
So what are love languages? The concept of love languages was developed by Gary Chapman, Ph.D., in his book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, in the book he outlines and draws what he feels works from his own personal experiences and linguistics, however, the issue with this is again, that these are his own experiences and everyone may be at a different way of expressing their love.
Let's take a deeper look the love languages. The first one is words of affirmations, using loving ways to verbalize how you feel and show affection towards the other person. You could use words like I love you, you are beautiful, You look great, and etc. So as you see even compliments go a long way and the concept behind this love language is that you make someone feel loved, appreciated or help them with their self esteem. The issue with this love language is that if you are in a relationship with a narcissist or someone who stonewalls you, this technique will not work. If you are in a relationship with someone who has body issues or eating disorders and lacks confidence, this may boost their feelings of self worth for a while, but it's like putting a bandaid on something and it's not permanent. When the charm wears off, if the person has not healed or has not taken accountability or even willing to do so, they will think you are lying or continue to see what they truly want to see. A person who has not done the inner work or refuses to do so, is speaking another language and may not be able to fully absorb the love you are showing. Should you not use this technique? No but I do believe that on a spiritual level, the person has to be willing to see and heal themselves through reiki or closing old wounds in order for that love language to really have an impact.
The second love language is Quality time, giving that person your undivided attention. This means making time after work perhaps or in the evening and avoiding distractions. Now this may be easy for some but if you are in a relationship and have children they will come before any intimacy or quality time for the both of you. In addition we live in a society where we have become addicted to our phones. Our relationship with technology and seeking validation through it, can overshadow the beauty that this love language. Some people can love you and use this but they will be on their phone during a movie or perhaps you are both having a romantic dinner date and your date is on their phone and never makes eye contact. This will NOT work!! I see too many people when I'm on business travel or in a fine restaurant or even in shops, many are glued to their phone. The other person is talking and the person is immersed fully in their phone. So if you find yourself doing this, you are never going to make this love language work. We are living in a society where we have become disconnected. I do believe in my heart of hearts that this potentially could be one, that would work perhaps if we were in the 80's and 90's when technology was not so prevalent or with our baby boomer generation and older generations. They are not as glued to technology at times, however, we are seeing a large part of their population emulating what generation Z is doing.
The next love language is Acts of services, such as doing something nice for the other person, reading between the lines and having a intuitive knowingness of their needs. You may decide to make breakfast in bed for them, clean the house or cook for them because you know they do it all the time. This is something that you don't have to ask them if they would like it but do it. This is one powerful love language that I actually could work. However, just with the other love languages, sometimes people who have their own way of doing things may be controlling and not like how you prepared something or if you cleaned the home, maybe you left crumbs or something out of place. Some people who are vibrating at a 3D state of consciousness may see this as a form of flattery and may like it but again it can become a custom where they begin to expect this all the time. If you are doing something nice be sure that this is being reciprocated.
Gifting is another love language. This sounds so romantic and ideal, however if you have again someone who is damaged and maybe is not used to this type of treatment they may leave you feeling drained. If you are buying them something nice or giving them a gift and you do not get a thank you or some form of appreciation at the time this occurs. This energy you are putting into that relationship is NOT being reciprocated. This can leave you feeling super hurt. It can also make you feel like you are giving too much. There is a concept that actions speak louder than words but you may have someone who is co-dependent and no matter what you do for them, it's never enough. They want more and more and it becomes a learned behavior to expect or perhaps a form of entitlement. If you do not receive some form of appreciation or expression in the moment..use this as a reference and directly ask the person did they like the gift. Ask them what you could do better. If the other person also shows that level of effort and does the same for you. This doesn't mean you are expecting anything in return but again, there should be a balance in a relationship or in your love language. If you use this love language only, the other person should be using one of the other love languages to bring balance into the relationship. Most women want you to think outside the box. If you are a man reading this, ask your gay friend or ask a female in your life for advice. Gifts are super important but if you are out of touch in what women want, your gift may come across as non-romantic or even unappreciated. This can hurt your ego and also make you feel drained.
Physical touch is the final love language, this can be expressed through a kiss, hug, cuddling, holding hands or even sex. This is a powerful love language and you should pay attention to how the other person reacts. If you are finding after intimacy the other person checks out and leaves immediately then that love language was not really effective but rather a moment of selfish pleasure/satisfaction. If the other person pulls away from your touch, this may be a sign that they have issues or have been abused, possibly damaged and this love language is ineffective. Sometimes the person may be a healer and any touch is sensory overload, they may love it in the moment but find they can't handle the energy later. Again this will vary from person to person. You should again only engage in this when it's reciprocated. I also do believe many will use this type of love language as a form of manipulation when they are vibrating at a lower energetic vibration. Energy vampires use this form to draw a lot of energy from the other person, often leaving the person feeling very empty inside or filled with doubt.
I am a firm believe there is no manual or chart that can guide you to the right way to express love. However, we have these qualities or traits already built into our Soul. Remember this is not your first time here on earth, chances are that you have karmic baggage or lessons in which no matter what language you are using, it may not be enough. I suggest you find what works for you and have open communication with other person. I have had clients tell me, I'm scared I will lose the other person if I express my concerns. The fear you have from this truly might be self created and you will NEVER know what truly could have been the outcome if you don't push past this. You may have gone through years of reiki healing, self improvement and manifestation but if you haven't pushed past your fears or you feel all men and women are the same, you are doing a huge disservice to your love journey here on earth. I am also a firm believer we all desire love and are looking for it. When you want it so bad, this can also prevent you. You must love yourself first before you can seek a relationship where someone else can love you. If you are doing this and you find someone you are interested in, however, red flags come up especially with the love languages mentioned in this article, I would suggest you keep your options opened. Some people will hold onto damage, or be unwilling to admit they have karmic patterns and issues. They will repeatedly cast blame on others for their own mistakes. You cannot do the same things and expect different results. You could be the most beautiful woman or most attractive man but if you are relying on your sexuality to grant you the relationships you desire, then you are possibly using a form of manipulation and not operating from your heart space. The love languages may work but it will quickly be apparent that this is all you have and lack the substance of love to maintain or keep your partner. What we feel inside is often seen through our relationships. We internalize more than you think and we often process this and it becomes a mere reflection of our current situations.
In this century I also feel like many people are still afraid to be their authentic self because of labels or positions in society. "We all have an image to maintain" but if you are trying to keep that image to make others happy or think what you want, and you are not being who you truly are, you will suffer in life. You will find that your living in a fruitless relationship or marriage. Many men and women are in relationships, seeking out the next adventure on the side but not willing to let that relationship they are in go. They seek perhaps what they are lacking in their relationship from someone else. This is a damaged form of love languages. It's not being honest and this can lead to karmic lessons which are more painful in the future.
I guess what I'm trying to say here, learn your own love languages and give it your all. If you fail do not give up but also look deep within yourself and see what patterns you identify. Anything you are repeatedly experiencing is huge indication that this is karmic and you need to find a way to fix this situation. Make small baby changes in your life. You will thank me later.